I know I should go to bed, but this is my only quiet time. Alone in my thoughts, with baby sleeping, Mr. Self centered sleeping, dog sleeping....this IS mellows hour!! With the start of a new week, I can only see the redundancy of work, a myriad of scheduled appointments, the constant "low" of Mr. Self centered, and a grand finale, including 8 1/2 hours of traffic school! Honestly, I am easily amused. Good conversation, reading everyone's blog, music, a cool breeze, a new celebrity gossip magazine. All of these things help me to maintain, and not be a raving, psychotic, crazy chick!! With all this said, chaos is my life. However, I am realizing, everyone has this "chaos" I am speaking of. Yet somehow, we can't ever remember that.
I have decided that it's ok, to splurge on myself once a week. Nothing dramatic or anything. It could be just a simple trip to Wal-mart, and I feel replenished. Now my procrastination tends to ween it's ugly head, just when I get excited about something. Or my need to rationalize it's importance. If I don't have anything to show for it, I will try and talk myself out of it (whatever it might be). Although, in my thinking process, I am trying to change. Not that it needs changing, i think it could be growing. Expanding. Realizing, that when all is said and done, I am the only one that can "allow" me to be happy. Knowing this really helps me understand the importance of the things I love. Take music for example, there was a time when I wouldn't listen to my cd's. Why I don't know. So now, each morning, I pick a different cd. Which leaves me singing (loudly), and caring less that, I'm being tailgaited, and that the freeway is backed up (again)!! Another example would be, my son. I try so hard to figure out what the problem is, I forget that he is always going to be my baby (with the badest god damn name in the whole world!!). Nothing will ever give me more happiness, than him! Then there are my friends. There is a guilt sometimes, by not having more time. Even though they probably don't see it that way, I like to worry. I will worry, when there's nothing to worry about. Perhaps it's a fear that, my "people" might leave me? I really can't say.
So, as i come to an understanding, about the person that I am, I know that I can only be, what i allow myself to be. I can only feel, what I let myself feel. With a happiness, only I really see. A meaning I could honestly believe. I will always be worthy to smile, and enjoy anything I damn well please!!!
a quote......Without self-confidence we are as babes in the cradle. And how can we generate this imponderable quality, which is yet so invaluable, most quickly? By thinking that other people are inferior to oneself.
