Eye for an i ! !: March 2005

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Back in the day...part III "High school"

~ Well here I am, a freshman in a new high school. I must have stuck out like a sore thumb. As I walked around that first day, I noticed the curious stares. I was the "new girl" once again, but this time, it was in this HUGE stereotyped, fashionista, constantly judged bubble of teenage girls, and boys. It didn't take me long to gravitate toward a group. Boys with skateboards asking for money. They happen to be the only people wondering my name, where I came from etc. (Just an FYI being 1990-1991, I would have to say the boys with skateboards were much different, than the boys with skateboards today. In my opinion.) This was the day I would meet Red, Holland & Sullivan (aliases). From that day forward, I was officially one of the guys.

~My freshman year I met this boy with a skateboard, shall we call him Red. (Holland, Sullivan, & Red, confused yet?) Red was a little goofy, tall, husky (you know what I mean), with really red hair and freckles. He kept bugging & bugging me until I agreed to go out with him. We ended up togther for 4 years. And to this day, he was the only guy that loved every part of me, and told me, and showed me.We were together every day FOR that 4 years too.In some way were a PG-13 sometimes rated R Bonnie & Clyde. As I approached senior year things started to change drastically. Our relationship was growing apart. This hole FOUR years, hanging out with the boys, and drinking with the boys, made me notice another boy. It was Holland. We had always had the most in common, and all the same classes.

~After Red and I broke up, I knew that Holland and I would get together, in was inevitable. And so one day we did. My relationship with Holland lasted 5 1/2 years. Our senior year was fucking awesome. Holland, Sullivan & I were the shit, and no one would despute it. We knew where the parties were, or were having the party ourselves. When we graduated, as I started a new future, I really felt like I was right where I belonged. As Holland & I approached our second year together, that's when my life undeniably changed, with such a darkness, I never thought I would experience. Considering that Holland & I were socialites, we drank like fishes as well. One night after leaving a friends house, I tried to take the keys away from him, and we started into a huge fight. That was the first time Holland hit me. He punched me in the face 2X, broke 3 windiws in my parents house, and punched the wall. (my parents were obviously not home) At that time, I had no idea of his anger, and I didn't REALLY SEE what he had done.

~Meanwhile, as the next year rolled on, we maintained this "perfect" couple label. No one knew except my parents, his parents and sister, Holland and me. As our relationship went on, it went through waves. There were good times (truely there were) and then there would be those angry, hateful times, that seemed to really bother us both. We decided that we had to leave our "turd hole town" and go somewhere. And so we did. As I packed my car with my ENTIRE life inside, Holland and I began our cross country journey towards our new state 2500 miles away from "turd town". With the thought that with this new beginning, we would leave our problems in "turd hole", along with the anger & violence. __________OH, HOW WRONG WE WERE!!!____________

--**--Not a whole lotta mention of Sullivan up to here.The next part of "backintheday"there will be way too many Sullivan references-**-

~These 3 guys still remain in my thoughts, and forever changed something about me. I will always wonder, how life is treating them. And despite any hurt, those happy times, are some of the most *free-loving-fun*, I have ever had.

a quote......"It is hard to convince a high-school student that he will encounter a lot of problems more difficult than those of algebra and geometry."

Thursday, March 24, 2005

questions from a martini <3

1 WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? Some are plain white, some are solid blue, & some have circular patterns on them that are blue,yellow, magenta, & green (very retro)
2.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW? DaVinci Code 3.WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? It's so lame. It's got a guy, holding a gun, in front of a brick wall. with that yellow police tape going across. On thetop it says "New York. Fugutive undercover cop. Nothing to lose." On the bottom it says MAX PAYNE, I think it's a game???
4.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOARD GAME? SCRABBLE bitches
5.FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Spin, Rolling Stones, or Blender
6.FAVORITE SMELL? (agree-ing w/ martinilove) A yummy smelling guy is the BEST!!!
7.LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? Bad breath or B.O. (gross, it's a tie)
8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKEUP IN THE MORNING? What shoes am i going to wear today?
9. FAVORITE COLOR? probably blue, although I LOVE red (my red pants, remember)
10. CHILDERENS NAMES ? MADDIX (I wonder why???), Marley , Sailor, Jaide, Jace, Kaya 11.DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Not really, however I got a freakin' speeding ticket on Monday, going 80.
12. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? No, but I have one pillow, that if I don't have it, I will not have a good sleep.
16. THUNDERSTORMS-- are pretty cool, but sometimes scare me!! I love the lightening!
17. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 1990 Chevy Corsica Maroon with a silver line that went around the bottom of the car.
18. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE? Marilyn Manson, his mind seems to intrigue me.
21. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? I eat all of the broccoli. Dana Carvey on Saturday Night Live "Choppin' Broccoli" sooooo freakin' hysterical!!
22.COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE?? I would be a potter
23.WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?? Nothing at all!! 24. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORIE BASEBALL TEAM? The Yankee's of course DJNY baby!!
25 . FAVORITE CD? of all time...this is tough. I will take into effect, the longestrunning CD, I have always listened to, and still listen to. Probably Pink Floyd the Wall

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

How come?

Sometimes I ask myself, "Am I a good person"? What makes a person, a good person? Is it your own perception of yourself, or how others percieve you? I think to be totally true to yourself, it would have to be self perception. Because only you know your conscious. And ultimately your conscious would be what determined a self evalutation of "a good person". Now ask yourself one question. What is the worst thing, you've ever done? Think about the answer, and then think whether what that would warrant a "bad person" conclusion. Now I have asked myself what the worst thing I've ever done was, and this is the answer I have found. The worst thing I ever did, was have an affair with a married man. At that time I had just ended a 5 1/2 year abusive relationship (which by no means, makes it ok). I had been with this person pretty much my whole life (up until that point). I had no idea how to meet people, or be single in any way. I was working the front desk at a hotel. He was a guest that was staying there for awhile, on a business trip. We would chat while I was working, and one night he asked me out to dinner. To be honest, I really wouldn't even consider him my type at all. For the most part it was the thrill of messing around with a guest in the hotel. I honestly didn't know he was married until after we had slept together (which didn't stop me from doing it again. Not very nice!). He never wore a wedding ring, or talked about any wife he had.

It only lasted a week, but after that I really hadn't realized what I had done. Now in retrospect, I think that was one of the worst things I could have done. I didn't seem to care about any one I might have been hurting. In retrospect, I was very selfish. I do feel that I have learned by my mistake, and can say that I would never do that now. If I could take it back, I would! I do believe in karma, and it will not be pleasant when it comes back to me. Although I feel my slate somewhat cleaned, I will always remember what I did, and always feel I have it coming to me. I won't be a jealous person, if cheating happens, it happens. However, I don't feel like a cheater, just someone who made a big mistake. Does this make me a bad person? I don't feel like I am a bad person, and I do feel like I am a pretty good person. Can someone make a mistake like this, and still be considered a "good person"? I can't say.

a quote......"I’ll feel that horrible feeling in my stomach you get when you’ve gone over to the Dark Side. But I’ll be fine. That’s the good thing about the Dark Side. Eventually, your eyes adjust."

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Back int the Day - part II...the "perfectly lost years"

- Major changes I am no longer a 'wee one", not quite a teenager. My sister & my two older brothers had graduated and moved out. So the parents decided it would be so cool to move to Florida. So up we moved. FREEZE and I were the only kids left, in a new state, with a new house. It was easy to adjust, because I was onty 9 years old then. Although, being the "new kid" takes some getting used to. Everything had changed, and I didn't like it. We (still did our famiy, thing, but it was very different, and much smaller. FREEZE was in high school, which meant, he needed space from everyone. At this time Nintendo had just come out. FREEZE and I would sit and play Super Mario Brothers for hours. Florida was pretty hot, so the parents thought the new house should have a pool. That was when I became part fish. I lived in the pool.

- Once we had lived there awhile, I made a lot of friends (in my life I have NEVER had a lot of friends). I was a cheerleader in 8" grade, and I just HAD to take dance classes. My 1st kiss was in 7th grade & it was with tongue. Really didn' t mean much at that time. 8th grade I had my first real boyfriend. He taught me how to kiss (the right way), and that's all we did. We had gotten into a fight one time, and I poured a coke over his head. That was pretty much the first, and last time I ever defended myself against a guy.

~ FREEZE graduated when I was 13, and I finished 8th grade at the same time. For me, it was time for high school I was actually heading in the right direction. I loved school, and was interested in learning. I liked doing girly things, and being with friends. I loved my parents and enjoyed hanging out with them.

~ Life would forever change, and this one thing set my path. It was the beginning of the summer, before I started high school. My parents want to move back home (NY). I was devastated. I had just started becoming this person that after the move would never be again. We moved back to NY, but not where I grew up. So I knew nobody & I was starting a new high school, in a new town, with no FREEZE, and no mellow that I had ever known. If I ever thought being the "new kid" was hard before, I couldn't imagine how hard it was going to be now.

Favorlte music at this time: this was my metal glam music phase
Motley Crue, Skid Row, Guns-N-Roses, Winger (ahhh Kip)
Favor1te movie: Heathers, cheesy horror flicks, Back to the Beach
Favorite place visited: the Florida Keys (swam with sharks, barracudas,, dolphins, snorkled, and got stung by a jelly fish)
*Favorite trend: Spandex pants, multiple pairs of scrunch socks, puff paint shirts, Swatch watches, puffy feathered bangs (they grew back)

a quote..."Its ok to kiss a fool, its ok to let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you!"

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Just another reason to SMILE!!!

He sat up today. He sat up all by himself, and just hung out, looking at himself in the mirror. We've been working so hard. He makes me so proud. But wait what is that, it stinks!! He crapped his pants!!! My smile is no longer!!!!!!!!!!

a quote......"This is our purpose: to make as meaningful as possible this life that has been bestowed upon us; to live in such a way that we may be proud of ourselves; to act in such a way that some part of us lives on."

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Back in the day - Part 1 . . . the "wee days"

This will be a series of posts, that chronicle the life of mellow

- My childhood , ( from what I remember) was just as a child should have. I remember growing up in a busy house. My parents were married, and I have 3 brothers & 1 sister. We lived in a smalll town. One of my brother's friends, or my sister's friends lived with us at some point. I am the youngest of 5, with a 9 year difference between me and my brother, (we'll call him FREEZE). Now FREEZE felt compelled to show me HIS way. He would try and make me memorize Black Sabbath lyrics, so I could recite them on command. FREEZE made me watch the 1st Nightmare on Elm Street, with him. I was SO scared of that movie. I would try to cover my eyes, and he would pin my arms down, so I couldn't cover them up. Yes, FREEZE tormented me. He would put my baby dolls head in the toilet and give her swirly's. I would cry so hard. My sister, (we'll call her MOUTH) used me as her guinnea pig for everything. She would put make up on me, style my hair, make me eat weird things, just to see my reaction. One time I remember, she wanted to practice hair cutting, (why?? i don't know) she used my bangs, and pretty much cut them as short as they could possiblely go. Needless to say, they spiked out from the middle of my forehead. Not very cute. I was 4, so I didn't care, but my mom wasn't happy. What can you do?

- I remember my parents would go away for the weekend, and my sister would throw parties. People drinking & partying. They always thought I was so cool, and I would sit and listen to their stories (I had No clue what they were saying). I would be wearing my footie pj's, with the zipper that goes from the feet to the neck. One morning I woke up and this guy was passed out on our stairs. He woke up. saying he had a hang over, and asked me to get him a drink. I went to the kitchen and concocted this drink. It had milk, an egg, some ketchup & mustard, pickle juice you name it (I was 4 & thought it would be like a surprise drink. Shit my sister made me eat weird stuff, I thought it was normal). I gave it to him, he smelled it, and threw up all over the stairs. Good Times!

- By being the youngest of 5. I demanded attention all the time. One day, everyone was home doing their thing, but not including me in. I kept pestering everybody, but that particular day, nobody was in the mood to baby mellow. So I decided I would teach them, and I ran away. I left the house (I was probably 5 1/2 yrs) and went down the street to my friends house. I stayed there until it got dark, so sure that everyone would be like, "Where is mellow?". I had only been gone for 2 hours at the most, but it felt like forever, and it was past dark. When I got back to my house, no one even knew I was gone. It sounds sad, but I wouldn't trade my whack family, for anything.

* Favorite show: Fraggle Rock
* Favorite thing to listen to: the Smurfs record it had a song that said "I'm a pink toothbrush, you're a blue toothbrush, come brush your teeth with me."
* Favorite toy: Popples these were those stuffed animalsthat you could fold into balls (& yes FREEZE put my Popples in the toilet too)
* Favorite piece of clothing: a Strawberry Shortcake magnetic clip belt (do you remember those belts!!)
* Favorite food: cheese & ketchup sandwiches
* Favorite things to do: tag along with FREEZE, swing on the playground , play with toys, play with friends etc- etc- etc-
* I had 2 dogs in the "wee days" a fuzzy white Husky named Sam & a "weiner" dog named Buster.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

It's spewing out of my ears

I spent a good part of my afternoon (if you couldn't tell from my previous posts from today), trying to make my blog "super duper" (martini). With the help of a fellow blogger, I have successfully reached what I would like to call, "my blog nirvana". Hopefully, all these changes, can make all well, in the world of mellow!!! I have to admit, I am extremely happy now! All this has taught me that, (1) I didn't know very much about what I was doing (2) Reading all the instructions ARE important (3) It's better to ask for help, than to screw things up, & get pissed off about it and last but not least (4) breathe in thru nose, out thru mouth, sip a Dr. Pepper, and enjoy mellow's pretty, more efficient blog!!! Thanks again for showing me the way!!!

a quote...... "It is in the compelling zest of high adventure and of victory, and in creative action, that man finds his supreme joys."

~ ~ Hot damn ~ ~

I just found them ! ! ! They're back ! ! ! My ears have cooled off, and I have a perma grin right now ! ! ! I am blessed with the re-birth of my pre-Haloscan comments.
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I did have VERY good instructions (compliments of blue). I feel like I have accomplished something, and it feels DAMN good!!!
Gold star for mellow l
a quote....."The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing."

They've gone bye bye

Still no pre-Haloscan comments, but I'm still working on it!!! I am glad I don't drink too often, because this is a reason to drink. And if I was drinking and attempting this, my blog would probably die :( !! Every time I finish an attempt, and I go to view it, and everything's still the same, the tips of my ears get HOT!!! Woe is mellow.

Thank you blue :)

Fuck is all I can say!!!

Ok, so I figured that I would do my part as a responsible blogger & get the Haloscan thingy set up. Now being a "newby" to everything involving a computer, I get scared ( I know I am lame). But I was confident going into Haloscan, and it seemed simple. So the end result is, " I lost all my fucking comments ! ! !" Now I am pretty sure, That Girl, mentioned something about the comments, and I didn't get it ( it was the "newby" thing). As I followed the instructions to download Halo, I didn't come across anything that said, CLICK HERE TO SAVE YOUR COMMENTS. Or maybe it was there, and I somehow totally missed it ( very possible). I usually just clicked on the names that commented to get to their sites. NO MORE!! I am pissed off right now!! Grrrrrrrrr No worries. I am going to put my thinking cap on, & make it easy again. I hate change, when I am just getting started. Grrrrrr It's a conspiracy, I tell ya'. Simple=mellow, change=frustration, computer lingo=clueless, BeepBeepBeepbeep=Grrrrrrr!! I have Grrr'ed alot in this post. This "newby" is kicking ass and taking names!! ( dude I am soooo freakin' lame....but it's fun!!)

a quote....."If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong."

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

To peeve, or not to peeve

This could end up being mellows bitch fest, but that's ok!! So one thing that irritates me is Michael Jordan & Shaquille O'Neal. These are two men with the sole purpose to over expose themselves, however they can. Jordan was the worst as far as advertising. God damn underwear, batteries, cell phones, HOT DOGS the list goes on. I mean, did he not make enough money with his basketball, baseball, golf, fucking figure skating (kidding)? Oh yeah and his "Air Jordan" sneakers. I seriously was perturbed, with every siting.

The next person who totally made me "want to send him a mail bomb", is Fred Durst. Now this man is terribly unattractive, yet he always has some young thing jocking his style. Plus his band SUCKED!!! This one could get me in trouble. That little girl from Mrs. Doubtfire. I can't stand her, so much that I think I could send her a mail bomb too!! I know she's a kid, but some kids are trollish beasts. She's one of them.

Now, not so famous...there's was this girl at my work, who went against everything I disagreed with. When she started, she was engaged. She had been w/ her man for like 5 yrs (long time, at least that's what she SAID). Well 1 month before the wedding, he called it off. I did feel bad, because that sucks, but seriously, she was fucking psycho. So after the "dumping" she tried SO hard to find a new husband. It took her less than 3 weeks. She knew him for 2 weeks, and then they got married. I knew what was coming next...."I'm pregnant". With her personality, I knew that she was going to quit. She was raised to think that the woman doesn't work after she becomes pregnant. So her husband has 3 jobs,
just to make their living. And the WHOLE time she's been married, all she can do is talk bad about her husband. This makes me so mad. She happens to be an over-exaggerator, a chronic liar, and very ignorant. She claims to be a "Christian", which in her eyes means, she thinks she's better than me. With her "Christian" attitude, she judges everything, and she doesn't even go to church!! She was also one of those people who always has a "better" story than the one you might be speaking of (which was so fucking annoying). Needless to say, when she found out she was pregnant, I knew she would leave. But she swore, that she wouldn't screw me, and not give a 2 week notice. Leave it to a know-it-all bitch, to leave -it-all bitchy!!! I swear, I hated her for being so disrespectful!! Now here is the question....does my rant about her sound like I'm jealous? I promise, I would never want to be her, but it could be interpreted like that. Oh well, such is life!! Karma's a bitch!!!

Oh, I hate pop punk music, and all these "non talent ass clown, teen bitches" making music. What money will buy. It bought Ashlee Simpson fame!! Now maybe she will cut her mullet!! I think I'm done for now!!!

a quote......"Conversation should be pleasant without scurrility, witty without affectation, free without indecency, learned without conceitedness, novel without falsehood. "

The Ghost Song

awake.
Shake dreams from your hair
My pretty child, my sweet one.
Choose the day and choose the sign of your day
The day's divinity
First thing you see.

A vast radiant beach in a cool jeweled moon
Couples naked race down by it's quiet side
And we laugh like soft, mad children
Smug in the wooly cotton brains of infancy
The music and voices are all around us.

Choose they croon the ancient ones
The time has come again
Choose now, they croon
Beneath the moon
Beside an ancient lake

Enter again the sweet forest
Enter the hot dream
Come with us
Everything is broken up and dances.

a quote....."So you thought you might like to,Go to the show.To feel the warm thrill of confusion,That space cadet glow.Tell me is something eluding you, Sunshine?Is this not what you expected to see?If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes,You'll just have to blow your way through this disguise."

This post is for mzmojo. I can't begin to tell you, how much our friendship means (martini too!!!) to me. I didn't know a true friendship, until I met you guys!! You are, in a way, my two soul mates! Thank you, for putting up with my ass!!

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

F()RGeTTfu|_ ^^e

By the way, that is a song by Simon and Garfunkel...if you didn't already know!!!

Kathy's song

I hear the drizzle of the rain
Like a memory it falls
Soft and warm continuing
Tapping on my roof and walls.

And from the shelter of my mind
Through the window of my eyes
I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets
To england where my heart lies.

My mind's distracted and diffused
My thoughts are many miles away
They lie with you when you're asleep
And kiss you when you start your day.

And as a song I was writing is left undone
I don't know why I spend my time
Writing songs I can't believe
With words that tear and strain to rhyme.

And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you.

And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go i.

a quote......Do I listen to pop music because I'm miserable or am I miserable because listen to pop music? --John Cusack (Rob Gordon) High Fidelity

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Eye see you

NNNNNNNNN
I have always wondered if different eye colors see things differently. Do all eyes see what my brown eyes see. My favorite is blue eyes (my son has beautiful blue eyes). I can describe what I see with brown eyes, but is it the same with someone with green eyes. I have always wished my eyes were a different color like blue, or green. Those eye colors are so alive, so passion filled. It seems that way to me, or maybe I am being a tad dramatic. Sometimes, I think I feel my son when I look into his eyes, and they're just SO blue. I think green eyes are pretty cool too. However, I do have the song "Brown Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison. That song is the best. It's one of my favorites!! I could be totally lame for thinking this, but I love eyeballs. So it was inevitable that I write this post!!!
NNNNNNNNN
a quote....."We are all wrong so often that it amazes me that we can have any conviction at all over the direction of things to come. But we must"

Straight to Blogger HELL!!

Ok....it has been like days since my last post. I should be thrown in jail for blog neglect! I left my blog somewhere and forgot where I left it!! I am a horible blog-giver! I apologize, in part do to a busy schedule, & part do to total procrastination. You can hate me if you want, but I feel bad as it is. So without further a do, I present, the return, from a blog vacation!!!

________I know, I am a total lamo!!____

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

I put a new Wing on my doctors house

Sometimes, I will not check my mail for a week (my mail box, it's a cluster of boxes at the end of the street). So I swung by the cluster last night, on the way home from work. Needless to say, there was alot of mail. Mostly junk. Some letters for pe-approved home loans and credit cards. And then there are all my Dr. bills. As I've said before, I frequent doctors. All kinds of doctors. We have also had a few surgeries too. Now I have this "Oh so AWESOME insurance" that takes care of a pretty nice portion of the bill (maybe I'm selfish to complain, some people don't even have insurance :( ). So I get these bills for an anesthesiologist, immunizations that aren't covered, yada yada yada. And I am like. "I thought I paid this?" So I call the insurance, then the billing office. NOPER.... no where does it tell me I have to pay for this, or I have to pay for that, I'm just supposed to know this, being a expert on insurance and all. I didn't even have insurance before I got pregnant! It's not like I am gonna say "No I'm not having him tested for that my insurance doesn't cover it!" Which by the way, they don't tell you until after you've already done it. Now I understand a doctor has got to make a living too, but what the helldoes that money I pay out of my check go for, I ask?? Doctor's have a way of manipulating the situation, without saying a single word. I HAVE to put my trust in them, because I have no choices. Therefore I feel like an idiot, at every visit, then I pay them and leave. All that, to come home, get on the computer, and look up the information myself. In some ways, I feel that I know more about a possible diagnoses for my son than they do. And still I test, & test, & test, and sometimes wait 2 months for a result. In the meantime, I keep paying bill, after bill, after bill, building another wing on their already too big of a house!!
Sorry for a post full of rants, but I had to let it out somewhere!!
a quote....."I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now? Reality leaves a lot to the imagination."-John Lennon

Monday, March 07, 2005

Pass the dutchy from the left hand side

Ok, I am going to write this, so that I can get feed back (maybe). The focus on this post will be the legalization of marijuana. Now by me throwing this out, I don't want to be labeled a "pothead" . However there was a time where I was. I am much older now, and I'm not putting things off, to sit around and get stoned. I will admit that I enjoy to smoke a little here and there. It relieves my stress, and helps me sleep (two problems I should address in themselves, but I don't feel it's necessary). I don't smoke in my house, and I don't even smoke that often, but if I can I will.
Now I feel that marijuana should be legal for many reasons. First off, it could be taxed and made profit for this ever increasing deficit our country has. I mean, doesn't it make sense? It would eliminate the need for a drug dealer (which in itself causes crime and violence). Who needs another ass clown, sitting around, making money off something like this instead of finding a real job. But who am I to talk, I am sponsoring this behavior. Second reason is that the hemp plant is more durable and just as useful (if not more) than the cotten plant. You can make pretty much anything with hemp. Third reason is that it can be burned as a fuel source. It has been found that the marijuana seed if burned and the right temperature, is one of the cleanest forms of burning fuel. Virtually leaving no exhaust & easier to obtain. It beats going to war, and killing a whole bunch of people, to have access to our fuel source. (and NO the exhaust isn't like when you smoke weed, it isn't going to get you stoned). Fourth reason is the medicinal uses. Marijuana could replace quite a few drugs out there, leaving less adverse effects on the patient. Who should decide that a cancer patient can't smoke a joint to ease the nauseous feeling they have from their chemo. Not me. I can't imagine dealing with that and I say puff away. These are a few of my points to justify my reasoning.
I feel, personally that I should be able to enjoy this. I work very hard, and have been there for 3 1/2 years. I pay my bills, and I pay taxes, and I am raising my son in a stressful situation. I have issues in my love life (which could drive anyone to smoke a fatty). At some point, when my son reaches a certain age, I can not partake in this as a way of "mellowing" out. I don't want him to see me do that. But at this point he is completely unware. Maybe it's my way of dealing with the curves life throws. I don't drink (hardly ever) & I don't do other drugs (I'm too old & and have too many things important to me). So this is my justification. Why is it legal to get wasted on alcohol, but not get a buzz from a joint? This is my question. Marijuana is portrayed as this evil "drug" that will cause you to go crazy. Under the proper abiding laws, it could be one of the best things for our country (in my opinion).
Tell me what you think. I could be totally missing the obvious, but these are my thoughts on the matter. Inquiring minds would like to know! Peace bloggers & pleasant dreams!!
a quote......".Those who make peacful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable."

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Sunday, bloody Sunday

I am very glad that I have every Sunday off. I think that no one should work on Sundays. Not for any religous purpose. It's just that ther's somehting about how a "Sunday" feels. It just feels different from the rest of the days in a week. Some Sundays I don't want to do anything, but lounge around. Maybe I'll clean up some, maybe I won't. What ever I feel like, I try not to commit to a project on this day. Everything could change, when I wake up that morning. I am a home body, so to speak. I enjoy realxing in my home on my down time. I enjoy being with my son, and just chillin' out. I work alot,so I feel this justifies me, in doing whatever. Should I be more outgoing? Should I be going out into the world. To parks, and museums? I mean I Do, do these things, but only once in awhile. Also, I don't go out at night hardly at all anymore. I used to go out all the time. Now I feel too "mom-ish". or something. But back to Sundays. Once Sunday evening comes, I start to feel a litlle anxious. It's because I know I have to go to work the next day, and start another week. Seemily, all my weeks are redundant, and pretty scheduled out. I have like 3 months planned out, from now. My son has alot of Dr's appointments,and therapy. Then work with three, 12's and a 9 hour Saturday. I had this Saturday off because, my friend came into town. Anyways, my point is that I like to do nothing on Sunday, because it's the only time I can. And I like it!! So I hope that who ever reads this had a good, relaxing Sunday!!
a quote..... "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

Friday, March 04, 2005

Where am I ??

Sometimes I think to myself, am I alive. Am I really real? Then I realize I am real, because I feel (I know that rhymes). Days go by for me, like a fog. I am always working to work, or working to take care of someone or something. In a repetitive, & uncertain part of my life, I now feel that I-me-mellow, has been lost. I feel that my brain might explode from an overdose of this reality, in which I exist. Perhaps, I could get organized and stand up, like a pillar of strength. A tall, well constructed pillar, so I have a definitive view. But in my reality, it's better to be numb, somewhat disengaged. I am always there. ALWAYS. But I-mellow am gone. Maybe I have taken a long nap. A nap in which I desperately want to awake. I-mellow, can be emotional and over analytical. This is my gift and my downfall. To care, and to care too much. My reality requires a consistency I had never known. A process by which, I became robotic. Digesting more and more input. Working to live, helping to live, and learning to live. I sometimes forget, why I am doing this. I miss me-mellow-I. Maybe someday, this message will be clear to me. I just hope that a life, this life, my life, won't be forgotten. I can love so much, but it scares me. And I can be a blast, but I feel undeserving. Will I change. I am open, and ready for my future, whatever it might bring. I am a self less, optomistic, pupil. Eager to learn how my creation lives through me. In that, I will never be forgotten.
a quote......."The question should be, is it worth trying to do, not can it be done. "

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

My answers

Questions from: Martinilove :)
1. What person from a movie would you like to be if you could be any, what movie and what scene?
I would be Christian Slater in the movie "Heathers". Him and Winona Ryder are sitting in her car outside of their school, right after they killed the 2 football players. Winona Ryder takes the push lighter from the car and burns her hand with it (out of guilt for her killing spree). Christian Slater then takes her hand and uses it to light his cigarette. It's a classic part, in a classic movie. Everytime I see it I laugh my ass off!!
2. If someone direct deposited a million dollars into your account, what would you do?
Well this sort of thing would have to be a mistake. So I think I would imediately withdraw the money. I would be feeling totally guilty, so I would make some charity donations, with at least half of it ( St. Jude's Hospital, a battered women's shelter). I would then pay off anything left that is in my name, and move to San Diego, so I could live near the beach. I would have to save enough money to buy my own pottery wheel & kiln. Ahhh sounds like heaven!!
3. Do you think Jim Morrison is still alive?
No. He was a legend in his time. However, he was self destructive and lost in his own world. Dying young was inevitable for him. Which is very sad, because he had a beautiful mind.
4.Do you have any regrets?
Absolutely! It's too bad too. I never really thought about things, before I acted. I was a live for the moment girl in my early 20's. I let myself be manipulated, and in my previous relationship, I let him hurt me (physically & mentally), and I never said anything. All, so I could keep peace. I wish I valued school, and my mother more growing up. Instead I partied hard, and got into trouble. I do have great memories. Some of which I needed to experience, in order to be the person I am today. I just wish I valued myself, thru my journey. I might have experienced less pain, and heartache. Such is life. I have a beautiful baby, a few GREAT friends, and an awesome mother. I am lucky to have lived & learned.
5.If you could read peoples minds, would you want to get rid of that power?
Sometimes, I think I can, and then I realize, it's probably obvious to everyone. No, I don't think I would want to be able to read people's minds. Truthfully, my job & my son have opened my eyes to people. Maybe I am just bitter, but I have alot of doubt in people. I have seen first hand at work, how people can be very mean. They assume to know me, and if they are inconvenienced, they will tear me down & rip me apart, without a care in the world. People are judgemental, ignorant, and at times ruthless. So do I want to REALLY know what they are thinking about me......no thank you. I tend to be sensative, so I don't care to see inside the minds of those who lack compassion. And as far as the goodness in people. Well, that seems to show thru no matter what. So there would be no need to read their minds, because I'm sure it shows all around them.
Thank you for my questions!!! They were perfect!

Driving

Ok, I am going to talk about driving today. My view on driving tends to change, depending on my mood. There are times where driving to me is a very big hassle. Especially on the freeways. It seems like a mutation of "stupid" drivers are emerging. They are those people who tailgate (the worst), those who don't use their blinker (annoying), and those who are too old to be driving (IRRITATING). Just to name a few. Now the tailgaters are my arch rival. If I wasn't afraid of the road rage epidemic, I would slam on my breaks or flip them the bird. Those who don't use their turn signals get an automatic "middle finger", just because there's a reason the turn signal was put in the car in the first place. The "too old to be driving" drivers, you just have to grit your teeth and pass. Later you can rant about how much you hate them, to a co-worker or someone.
Then, there are times when I feel like a "god" when I'm driving. When I have just the right music playing, & when I am wearing my sunglasses ( just got a pair and they are totally ROCK STAR). Times like these, I will sing to my heart's content, and lean back, and pass everyone. Times like these, make driving with the rest of those idiots, tolerable. And with a smile on my face, me, and my car are so cool (I have a mom car, a Mitsubishi, Outlander). My favorite driving music right now, is Eazy-E. Listening to Eazy-E and driving, gives me a rush ( I know I'm lame!).
It is inevitable that I must drive for the rest of my life. I just hope that I have more "god-like" driving days! (I hope that's not bad, I gave myself a "god-like" title while I'm driving. But that's how it feels) Drive safely, and buckle up!!! (I had to say that!)
Happy motoring!
a quote....."Your subconscious, is your burning hell" -- excerpt from 311's song 'Flowing'

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

to judge, or not to judge

Judging people is, I guess in our nature, but to tell you the truth I think it sucks. Every day there is judging. How you look, what you wear, what you say. To some extent, it is necessary to judge, so that you may be aware of those around you. For me, I am in a relationship, and I have a baby. However I am not married, and people tend to throw me the evil glare. Like I am this monster that has just killed someone. For me marriage isn't something you do just because you have a baby. I think that until someone has been in my shoes, they can not say anything about the decisions I make. Also, my baby is devolpmentally delayed. Which is a whole other issue ( I could go on forever). Right here is a situation totally open for judgement. What did she do (me), why isn't he doing this, how come he can't do that. I feel we are an open target for critism, and judgement. This I never realized, until I was faced with my present situation. People don't like what is not normal and the same. And they will point fingers very quickly. It's very sad when a total stranger, passes judgement on me or my son, and the fact is, that they would rather have it that way, than to simply ask why. Try to, instead of assuming, try asking. Or if that is uncomfortable, turn that judgement around in yourself. And ask how can I focus on myself, rather than notice what's different about others. I am doing everything I can for my baby, and no one has ever asked me about that. All people have feelings and we all just want to be loved.
* Sorry to be a downer, but I think & feel, therefore I write. *
a quote....."an eye for an eye, makes the whole world blind."

Eye for an i ! !